open letter

I've written about this guy months back in this journal. I haven't correspended with him since December. It's mostly my fault that happened but maybe it was for the best. But I couldn't help but feel guilty about it. Once in a while he creeps up into my thoughts -- sometimes wondering if he hates me now or what. Although I know he doesn't hate me. I've done this to him before and somehow we became friends again afterward.

Well anyways, this entry is triggered by me dreaming about it last night. I guess my conscience is calling out. I've considered emailing or texting him. But maybe that's a wrong move after four months of not hearing from me.

So just as a form of disclosure, this letter is for him.

* * *

I know I've done it again. Disappearing out of the blue. After the time we saw each other again after months and months (or even more than a year) of no communciation, I tried to make an effort to be honest with you. I even told you straight out you didn't have a chance. That maybe you would find someone who would deserve you more. That was cruel, but you deserved the truth.

But my Christmas vacation in Manila suddenly gave me reason (probably a weak one) to do my disappearing act again. You wanted to meet up, even asking our common friends to text me too. I didn't get myself to get pressured from that. My giving in would have given the wrong signals to both you and our friends.

And you didn't give much effort anyways. Texting me non-stop. You know my landline, man. Is it that hard to call me? (Okay, maybe I just mentioned this just to make me feel better.)

I know there is a big chance we'll cross paths again one day, with our small circle. Right now, I honestly don't know how I will handle it. I admit I didn't handle this situation in the most mature way.

I honestly don't know if I should ask for forgiveness. But nevertheless I hope you're doing okay.