If you don’t want to get depressed maybe you shouldn’t read this. This is just my last resort for today, since I need an outlet for all my thoughts.

I might be revealing a lot of what I feel right now, maybe something that I’ve avoided during my past entries. Maybe a while later if I feel better I can just choose to delete this entry.

Today has been one of the loneliest days of my life.

Maybe an exaggeration. But it feels like it.

The headline, or the top reason why is because I found out yesterday that my cousin got into an accident. Let’s just say he might face serious charges for it. This is one of my cousins I’m closer to. I really can’t imagine what is going on.

It is just so frustrating to be away from the people who really matter to you. My sympathy is different, with me being away from all of them. Just like when my grandfather died. I wasn’t there to mourn with my family. I was just crying in the office when I read my cousin’s account of the day he died.

I felt inadequate.

And with this news about my cousin. The shock is definitely there, but I don’t know how else to react. I didn’t even call my parents to ask for the details. I really don’t know why. I could blame it on the deadline I had to meet at work. I could blame that I was too tired for working late all week. Who knows what the real reason is? I tried asking my sister, but she hasn’t responded. I don’t know if I should try contacting the sister of that cousin, who I’m close to, but I really wouldn’t know what to say.

I pray, I pray.

The lady beside me during mass this evening must have thought I was crazy crying during the mass.

I told my parents we could talk online tonight but they were busy since my other grandfather was sleeping over with them. My sister still hasn’t responded. My friends aren’t available.

I pray for my cousin. I pray that he would remain strong. He is such a good guy. I was thinking during mass that he was being punished not for his faults, but for mine.

I spent most of today normally but I felt guilty. Back home they should all be worried, and praying so hard.

But as I said, I’m out of touch. I could just cry and pray for what has happened and what could happen. I wish it were simpler to go home.

I guess it also doesn’t help that I’ve been stressed with work, and that I found out I hurt my friend.

Basically, it has been a shitty day.

I pray that God gives us all strength.